So that twat Piers Morgan has serialised his “secret” diaries in The Mail. (Apparently part of this blogging malarkey means linking to any site you reference but due to that paper’s lack of support – it knows when – I am not giving it the courtesy.)

Describes me as a bully and a boaster. Bully? I’ve been called worse so fuck off. Boaster? Hardly.

So I didn’t actually invent the phrase “People’s Princess” (I believe that honour goes to self-titled chav Julie Burchill) but it was certainly me who launched it into popular culture. Not boasting: fact.

And no, at the time the Royals didn’t have a clue what to do. They still haven’t got it right have they? Look at this farce of a wedding. They need me now like they did then.

As to the clutching of straws reference to Noel Gallagher – Tony had more important things to think about than whether some Manc twat had a drug problem. It was my job to brief him FFS.

And running the show? John Humphreys knew …

One more thing Piers: Tony and Cherie are still in No 10 whereas you are now fronting some crap Channel 4 show with Amanda Platell. Point fucking taken I hope.

C-R-A-P. Burnley lost to Preston 1-0.

I really, really dislike dogs, but Grace has persuaded us to get a King Charles spaniel. She's called him Molly but despite the fact that I go for a run almost every day on the Heath I will not be taking the dog with me - Fiona can do that.

John Major has written a scathing article about Tony in The Daily Telegraph. Apparently Tony must accept responsibility for the "black arts" practised by people such as me.

FFS - coming from a man who was so boring the most famous story about him was how he tucked his shirts into his underpants. And even that was made up by me! Good thing nobody will take one bit of notice of this twat.

Couple of weeks ago filmed an edition of Who Wants To Be A Millionaire. Ashamed to say Fiona and I cocked up badly. Went home with only £1000 after being stumped about who launched Skylab. Had absolutely no fucking idea and ended up guessing France. Not looking forward to it being screened one bit. (Think it is on this Sunday coming so be sure to miss it!!) Was also hoping to raise a lot more for Leukaemia Research, a charity close to my heart.

Off to Clarence House to see the people in charge of Charles and Camilla's bloody wedding. Somebody needs to sort out the PR efforts that these guys are making so that it doesn't fuck up Tony's election. It already looks like we're going to have to move it and go for original idea of May 5th or possibly April 28th. The press need to be concentrating on that - not this wedding.

Went for a jog through Kings Cross with my new iPod. Grace showed me how to set it up and use it. Amazing how the kids can pick up all this new technology so much faster than me. (No reference to Blackberry meant.)

The Jewish Chronicle have published my interview about the flying pig posters. Again claimed full responsibility for them (will not have Tony shouldering any of the blame) and promised to be more careful in the future over sensitive issues. Hope the whole thing will go away and we can get down to the important stuff now.

It's good to see that Michael Ancram (deputy leader of the Tories) is running scared already. He thinks that my involvement in Tony's election campaign is a sign of desperation. That's a fucking joke coming from them! Read his pathetic twaddle in the Hampstead and Highgate Express and then ask yourself who's the most desperate. They really haven't got a chance with twats like him.

Another bloody big row brewing about the leak to The Evening Standard of Charles and Camilla’s wedding. Am frankly quite angry that I was not one of the fingers on Tony’s hand. Press Briefing this morning totally dominated by this issue and nuclear weapons in North Korea largely ignored. It's a bloody good thing I'm back in charge.

Suggested Mr Straw use Newsnight emails to Labour's advantage by showing how forward looking we are in using cutting edge technology like Blackberry. Jack did as I suggested although had the audacity to suggest that Burnley supporters were technologically challenged. Twat.

Regarding emails sent the other night. Everything blown out of all proportion. Peter Kilfoyle has said that I must stop this vendetta against the BBC. Apparently I lie awake at night thinking about how awful the corporation is. FFS, have better things to be doing than that. Like making sure Tony gets his third term in No 10 for starters.

Neil Tweedie at The Telegraph has written an article about me entitled Alastair Campbell is back and this time it's personal. He's almost complimentary in it - although to describe me as "paranoid" is fucking out of order. However, I shall let it lie for the time being.

Met Andrew Mitchell (Tory home affairs spokesman) for a drink in Westminster this afternoon. Some wanker of course had to suggest that we were discussing his defection to Labour. Should keep his fucking nose out of things that don't fucking concern him.

Bollocks. Have realised that previous email did not go to Andrew McGuiness but Andrew McFayden at Newsnight instead. Should be OK - at least Jeremy will see the funny side. However, better email Andrew McFayden to point out mistake.

"Not very good at this e-mail Blackberry malarkey. Just looked at log of sent messages, have realised e-mail meant for colleagues at TBWA has gone to you. For the record, first three sentences of email spot on. No row between me and trevor.

"Posters done by them according to our brief. I dreamt up flying pigs. Pigs not great but okay in the circs of Tories promising tax cuts and spending rises with the same money. TBWA made production.

"Campbell swears shock. Final sentence of earlier e-mail probably a bit colourful and personal considering we have never actually met but I'm sure you share the same sense of humour as your star presenter Mr P.

"Never known such a silly fuss since the last silly fuss but there we go. Must look forward not back."

That should do it.

Am furious after Newsnight questioned my role in the poster campaign controversy. Sent an email to Mr McFayden suggesting Trevor Beattie (head of TBWA) should issue a statement regarding the posters.

Email reads as follows:

"Just spoke to trev. think tbwa shd give statement to newsnight saying party and agency work together well and nobody here has spoken to standard. Posters done by by tbwa according to political brief. Now fuck off and cover something important you twats!"

Visited Shrewsbury Sixth Form College in support of Mike Ion who is campaigning for a seat there. Completely unfazed by the fucking anti-war protesters who greeted me, one of whom even tried to throw an egg at me. Luckily for him it did not break until it hit the floor. Otherwise I might have punched his face in.

Peter Mandelson did a good job on the Today programme, warning the BBC not to resume their demonisation of me. They need to leave me alone and concentrate on the important issues. Because we all know what happened before.

Burnley lost to Leeds 1-0. Crap day all round.

Oh FFS. The Tories are already accusing me of orchestrating a "dirty tricks" campaign in the run up to Tony's election. Using the Freedom of Information act thing to try and smear them when the tossers have done a perfectly good job of that themselves. We've only put in 20 requests compared to their 130 and finding out about the crap that happened before Black Wednesday seems perfectly legit to me. Ah, it's good to be back.